I was recently asked to observe an Associate for his car test, being informed that all he needed was practice in delivering a commentary. It was somewhat unnerving to discover that he was a driving instructor, and I was sitting in the left seat with pedals waving by themselves under my feet.

His driving was of course impeccable, and he did not argue with anything I said, which again I found somewhat unnerving.

To find more things to talk about, I took him along my favourite dangerous road, and asked him to spot the dangers. Sure enough, up popped an obliging pheasant, giving me an opportunity to explain that a pheasant was about the only creature in God's creation that was stupid enough not to get out of the way when a ton of metal was bearing down at 50 mph.

That is to say:
OBSERVE a pheasant
ANTICIPATE that it is NOT going to move out of your way
PLAN A: look in mirrors, stop if nothing following too closely
PLAN B: run it over, rather than risk the consequences of a swerve

I must admit that plan B on a motorcycle is quite scary, as pheasants can be of a hefty size.

A neighbour of mine hit a pheasant on the same road and knocked it down. He got out, looked around swiftly, and added it to the load in his boot, with the intention of having it roasted for Sunday lunch. Once home, he looked again in the boot. The pheasant, which had been merely stunned, looked right back and then flew off. This is the origin of the expression "there is no such thing as a free lunch".

I have only ever had one encounter of the close kind with any other species of bird when on a motorbike. That was a young pigeon which flew into my fairing when I was on the A38. I can tell you two things about that encounter:

Firstly, feathers and front fork oil do not go well together.
Secondly, it should have waited at the pelican crossing.

Copyright PHP Harris 2000

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